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The diaTribe blog is our occasional take on life, the universe and everything. Observations on current affairs, the environment, politics, humour and music/gig reviews. Travel diary and extreme sports stories, along with the usual rants/raves are also chucked in for good measure.

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Tag ArchivesFor the word: uk

Sep24

Rave: Prison and Pensioner Reform

Don’t know who originally did this, but I LOVE it!

Let’s put the pensioners in jail and the criminals in a nursing home.

This way our pensioners would have access to showers, hobbies and walks. They’d receive unlimited free prescriptions, dental and medical treatment, wheel chairs etc and they’d receive money instead of paying it out.

They would have constant video monitoring, so they could be helped instantly, if they fell, or needed assistance. Bedding would be washed twice a week, and all clothing would be ironed and returned to them.

A guard would check on them every 20 minutes and bring their meals and snacks to their cell. They would have family visits in a suite built for that purpose. They would have access to a library, weight room, spiritual counselor, pool and education.

There would be private, secure rooms for all, with an exercise outdoor yard, with gardens. Simple clothing, shoes, slippers, PJ’s and legal aid would be free, on request and each pensioner could have a PC a TV radio and daily phone calls.

There would be a board of directors to hear complaints, and the guards would have a code of conduct that would be strictly adhered to.

And as an added bonus…

Convicted criminals would get cold food, be locked up alone and unsupervised. Lights off at 8pm, and showers once a week. They would live in a tiny room and pay £600.00 per week and have no hope of ever getting out.

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Jul31

Post-Brexit open letter to the British PM

Open letter to Teresa May

Dear Ms. May,

Please find below our suggestion for fixing the UK ‘s economy.

Instead of giving billions of pounds to banks that will squander the money on lavish parties and unearned bonuses, use the following plan. You can call it the Patriotic Retirement Plan:

There are about 10 million people over 50 in the work force. Pay them £1 million each severance for early retirement with the following stipulations:

  1. They MUST retire. Ten million job openings – unemployment fixed
  2. They MUST buy a new British car. Ten million cars ordered – Car Industry fixed.
  3. They MUST either buy a house or pay off their mortgage – Housing Crisis fixed
  4. They MUST send their kids to school/college/university – Crime rate fixed
  5. They MUST buy £100 WORTH of alcohol/tobacco a week (there’s your money back in duty/tax etc)

…It can’t get any easier than that!

P.S. If more money is needed, have all members of parliament pay back their falsely claimed expenses and second home allowances!

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Jul12

More MTW one-liners

Funny one-liners from a recent epiosode of “Mock the week“:-

  • I bought a slimming magazine in WH Smiths. I didn’t read it; I just wanted the big bar of Galaxy chocolate for a quid.
  • I was in a lingerie shop; I asked: “are these knickers satin?” and the sales assistant said: “No, their new”.
  • I went to buy a Christmas tree. The bloke said: “are you going to put it up yourself?”. I said: “no, I was thinking of the living room”.
  • Bought a chameleon…lost it.
  • Why is it that when women go to the toilet in pairs, no-one minds, but when I did it, I got thrown out of the greengrocers.
  • I got into a fight with my acupuncturist…he said he had never felt better.
  • According to the vet, my cat is in Heat. I didn’t even know she was famous.
  • I bought an Advent calendar from a Jehovahs’ witness; behind every door is a little bloke telling me to fuck off.

…and more available here

+18
  
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May19

Idiot Sightings

A friend of mine sent me the following recently. What can you say but … weep for the PRESENT (especially in St Albans!)

Idiot Sighting 1

My daughter and I went to the McDonald’s check-out to pay our bill and I gave the clerk a £5 note. Our total bill was £4.20, so I also handed her a 20 pence piece.

She said, ‘You gave me too much money.’

I said, ‘Yes I know, but this way you can just give me £1 back.’

She sighed and went to get the Manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the 20 pence and said ‘We’re sorry but we do not do that kind of thing.’ and then proceeded to give me back 80 pence in change.
Do not confuse the clerks at McDonald’s in St Albans , Hertfordshire!

… more »

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Feb27

Richard Briers: A Good Life Well-Loved

Richard Briers (Mar 2009)

It was with profound sadness that I learned of the death of Richard Briers recently.

Born in Raynes Park, Surrey in 1934, he was the second cousin of actor Terry Thomas (with the famed gap in his front teeth). Richard’s mother was a music / drama teacher and pianist.

Leaving school at 16 with no qualifications, Richard first took a job as a clerk, and briefly dabbled in electrical engineering; before being called up for National Service at age 18.

… more »

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Jul15

Olympics British Style

DATELINE: LONDON

In view of the ongoing heavy rains in the UK, representatives of the British government and the London Mayor’s office have met with the emergency committee of the IOC to propose a number of 11th-hour changes to the upcoming London Olympic programme.

London’s Mayor Boris Johnson has announced that all Olympic staff will be undergoing SCUBA lessons this week and his office are currently in the process of buying up wetsuits, fins, masks and snorkels from every dive shop in and around the Red Sea. Supplies of diving equipment in the UK have already been appropriated and set aside for use by visiting dignitaries, due to their virtually-unused and near-new state. … more »

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Jan04

Two good men pass

Gerry Rafferty at National Stadium
Pete Postlethwaite at Make Poverty History March

Not a great start to the new year. First the news of Pete Postlethwaite, then the news today of the passing of Gerry Rafferty earlier today.

… more »

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