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The diaTribe blog is our occasional take on life, the universe and everything. Observations on current affairs, the environment, politics, humour and music/gig reviews. Travel diary and extreme sports stories, along with the usual rants/raves are also chucked in for good measure.

September 2018
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ArchivesBy Author: Phil

Talentless mug who ends up writing most of the articles on diaTribe. You can read about Phil in his about page in the Bandanna Club website.

Aug22

Obituary for Common Sense

An Obituary printed in the London Times..

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years.

No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:

  • Knowing when to come in out of the rain;
  • Why the early bird gets the worm;
  • Life isn’t always fair;
  • And maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don’t spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an aspirin to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.

Common Sense took a beating when you couldn’t defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death,

  • by his parents, Truth and Trust,
  • by his wife, Discretion,
  • by his daughter, Responsibility,
  • and by his son, Reason.

He is survived by his 5 stepbrothers;

  • I Know My Rights
  • I Want It Now
  • Someone Else Is To Blame
  • I’m A Victim
  • Pay me for Doing Nothing
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Aug18

Bad day

Just a Farmer

An ode…

It’s fucking dawn,I fucking start
No time to eat or fucking fart
it’s sure as hell no fucking art
on fucking orchards

Fucking stakes and fucking posts
fucking wires and fucking ropes
I must be just a fucking dope
to work on orchards

Fucking clips and fucking ties
fucking pine tar in my eyes
it makes me want to cry
on fucking orchards

Fucking mowing, fucking spraying
and fertilizer laying
fucking weather’s got me praying
on fucking orchards

Fucking rules and fucking regs
made up by fucking dregs
do in my fucking head
on fucking orchards

Fucking tractors breaking down
fucking tanks leaks nearly drown
and shit the water’s BROWN!
on fucking orchards

Another day is fucking done
and down has gone the fucking sun
it ain’t a lot of fucking fun
on fucking orchards

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May08

It’s aLIVE!

Awesome Gig at Lovelands this weekend.

Magic! cool

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Nov25

Fidel Castro: Iconic Revolutionary; Island Tyrant

Fidel Castro

Today, the man who had held on to power longer than any other living national leader except Queen Elizabeth II, passed into the West…

Whatever your political views about the man many referred to as: “the beard”, there is no denying that Fidel Castro was an iconic character and a central figure in the greatest dramas of the Cold War.
… more »

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Oct03

Facts of Life

Laughing Owl

A few words of wisdom…

  • “If people could read my mind, I’d get punched in the face a lot”
  • “The fact that there is a HIGHWAY to hell and a STAIRWAY to heaven, says a lot about anticipated traffic volumes”
  • “My people skills are fine.  It’s just my tolerance to idiots that needs work”
  • “I’m only responsible for what I SAY; not for what you UNDERSTAND”
  • “So…when is this ‘old enough to know better’ supposed to kick in?”
  • “Have you ever listened to someone and thought: who ties your shoelaces for you?”
  • “Be careful when you follow the masses…sometimes the ‘M’ is silent”
  • Don’t confuse my PERSONALITY with my ATTITUDE…
    my personality is WHO I am
    my attitude depends on who YOU are”
  • “I NEVER argue.  I just explain why I am right”
  • “I speak my mind, because it hurts to bit my tongue all the time”
  • “Sometimes I sit quietly and wonder why I’m not in a lunatic asylum.
    Then I take a look around and realize…maybe I already AM”
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Sep24

Rave: Prison and Pensioner Reform

Don’t know who originally did this, but I LOVE it!

Let’s put the pensioners in jail and the criminals in a nursing home.

This way our pensioners would have access to showers, hobbies and walks. They’d receive unlimited free prescriptions, dental and medical treatment, wheel chairs etc and they’d receive money instead of paying it out.

They would have constant video monitoring, so they could be helped instantly, if they fell, or needed assistance. Bedding would be washed twice a week, and all clothing would be ironed and returned to them.

A guard would check on them every 20 minutes and bring their meals and snacks to their cell. They would have family visits in a suite built for that purpose. They would have access to a library, weight room, spiritual counselor, pool and education.

There would be private, secure rooms for all, with an exercise outdoor yard, with gardens. Simple clothing, shoes, slippers, PJ’s and legal aid would be free, on request and each pensioner could have a PC a TV radio and daily phone calls.

There would be a board of directors to hear complaints, and the guards would have a code of conduct that would be strictly adhered to.

And as an added bonus…

Convicted criminals would get cold food, be locked up alone and unsupervised. Lights off at 8pm, and showers once a week. They would live in a tiny room and pay £600.00 per week and have no hope of ever getting out.

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Jul31

Post-Brexit open letter to the British PM

Open letter to Teresa May

Dear Ms. May,

Please find below our suggestion for fixing the UK ‘s economy.

Instead of giving billions of pounds to banks that will squander the money on lavish parties and unearned bonuses, use the following plan. You can call it the Patriotic Retirement Plan:

There are about 10 million people over 50 in the work force. Pay them £1 million each severance for early retirement with the following stipulations:

  1. They MUST retire. Ten million job openings – unemployment fixed
  2. They MUST buy a new British car. Ten million cars ordered – Car Industry fixed.
  3. They MUST either buy a house or pay off their mortgage – Housing Crisis fixed
  4. They MUST send their kids to school/college/university – Crime rate fixed
  5. They MUST buy £100 WORTH of alcohol/tobacco a week (there’s your money back in duty/tax etc)

…It can’t get any easier than that!

P.S. If more money is needed, have all members of parliament pay back their falsely claimed expenses and second home allowances!

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