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The diaTribe blog is our occasional take on life, the universe and everything. Observations on current affairs, the environment, politics, humour and music/gig reviews. Travel diary and extreme sports stories, along with the usual rants/raves are also chucked in for good measure.

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Aug22

Obituary for Common Sense

An Obituary printed in the London Times..

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years.

No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:

  • Knowing when to come in out of the rain;
  • Why the early bird gets the worm;
  • Life isn’t always fair;
  • And maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don’t spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an aspirin to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.

Common Sense took a beating when you couldn’t defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death,

  • by his parents, Truth and Trust,
  • by his wife, Discretion,
  • by his daughter, Responsibility,
  • and by his son, Reason.

He is survived by his 5 stepbrothers;

  • I Know My Rights
  • I Want It Now
  • Someone Else Is To Blame
  • I’m A Victim
  • Pay me for Doing Nothing
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Sep24

Rave: Prison and Pensioner Reform

Don’t know who originally did this, but I LOVE it!

Let’s put the pensioners in jail and the criminals in a nursing home.

This way our pensioners would have access to showers, hobbies and walks. They’d receive unlimited free prescriptions, dental and medical treatment, wheel chairs etc and they’d receive money instead of paying it out.

They would have constant video monitoring, so they could be helped instantly, if they fell, or needed assistance. Bedding would be washed twice a week, and all clothing would be ironed and returned to them.

A guard would check on them every 20 minutes and bring their meals and snacks to their cell. They would have family visits in a suite built for that purpose. They would have access to a library, weight room, spiritual counselor, pool and education.

There would be private, secure rooms for all, with an exercise outdoor yard, with gardens. Simple clothing, shoes, slippers, PJ’s and legal aid would be free, on request and each pensioner could have a PC a TV radio and daily phone calls.

There would be a board of directors to hear complaints, and the guards would have a code of conduct that would be strictly adhered to.

And as an added bonus…

Convicted criminals would get cold food, be locked up alone and unsupervised. Lights off at 8pm, and showers once a week. They would live in a tiny room and pay £600.00 per week and have no hope of ever getting out.

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Dec15

Truths about Government

Truer words are rarely spoken. Here’s 15 quotable quotes that pretty much cover what government is…and always has been.

… more »

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May12

A Man’s Best Friend

Doing the rounds but available on shitmydadsends.com.

A real woman is a man’s best friend.
She will never stand him up and never let him down.
She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him
After a bad day.
She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to
Live without fear and forget regret.
She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to
His most intimate desires.
She will make sure he always feels as though he’s the most
Handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident, sexy, seductive and invincible…

No wait…
Sorry…

I’m thinking of whiskey. It’s whiskey that does all that shit.

Never mind.

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May19

Idiot Sightings

A friend of mine sent me the following recently. What can you say but … weep for the PRESENT (especially in St Albans!)

Idiot Sighting 1

My daughter and I went to the McDonald’s check-out to pay our bill and I gave the clerk a £5 note. Our total bill was £4.20, so I also handed her a 20 pence piece.

She said, ‘You gave me too much money.’

I said, ‘Yes I know, but this way you can just give me £1 back.’

She sighed and went to get the Manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the 20 pence and said ‘We’re sorry but we do not do that kind of thing.’ and then proceeded to give me back 80 pence in change.
Do not confuse the clerks at McDonald’s in St Albans , Hertfordshire!

… more »

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Feb15

Sandhill Crane: Nebraska’s Majestic Migration

Flocks of Sandhill Cranes

Something is happening in Nebraska on the Platte River, that is heralded as one of the greatest natural spectacles in the US.

Every year around Valentine’s day, culminating in March and on through to April, hundreds of thousands of Sandhill Cranes congregate on the Platte River (South Central Nebraska), forming huge flocks and using the sandbars as a nighttime roost.

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Jan10

Rant: Assassins Freed

Assassins Creed

A couple of years ago, I was browsing around my local branch of JB Hi-Fi and in the discount bin, I came across a cut-price copy of the original Assassins Creed.

It proved to be a reasonably entertaining game, with an intriguing storyline; the chief protaganist, Desmond Miles is kidnapped by members of a sinister organisation called Abstergo, a corporate front for the Knights Templar. Desmond’s captors explain that human DNA is actually a complex set of ancestral memories, which can be viewed by placing the subject in a device called an Animus. The Animus allows a subject to “re-live” the memories of his/her ancestor(s) in a sort of Virtual Reality environment and in doing so, “unlock” memories which are then recorded by the Animus. It’s a sort of Medieval-Arabic-Ninja-meets-The-Matrix

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