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The diaTribe blog is our occasional take on life, the universe and everything. Observations on current affairs, the environment, politics, humour and music/gig reviews. Travel diary and extreme sports stories, along with the usual rants/raves are also chucked in for good measure.

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Aug22

Obituary for Common Sense

An Obituary printed in the London Times..

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years.

No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:

  • Knowing when to come in out of the rain;
  • Why the early bird gets the worm;
  • Life isn’t always fair;
  • And maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don’t spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an aspirin to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.

Common Sense took a beating when you couldn’t defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death,

  • by his parents, Truth and Trust,
  • by his wife, Discretion,
  • by his daughter, Responsibility,
  • and by his son, Reason.

He is survived by his 5 stepbrothers;

  • I Know My Rights
  • I Want It Now
  • Someone Else Is To Blame
  • I’m A Victim
  • Pay me for Doing Nothing
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Nov25

Fidel Castro: Iconic Revolutionary; Island Tyrant

Fidel Castro

Today, the man who had held on to power longer than any other living national leader except Queen Elizabeth II, passed into the West…

Whatever your political views about the man many referred to as: “the beard”, there is no denying that Fidel Castro was an iconic character and a central figure in the greatest dramas of the Cold War.
… more »

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Oct03

Facts of Life

Laughing Owl

A few words of wisdom…

  • “If people could read my mind, I’d get punched in the face a lot”
  • “The fact that there is a HIGHWAY to hell and a STAIRWAY to heaven, says a lot about anticipated traffic volumes”
  • “My people skills are fine.  It’s just my tolerance to idiots that needs work”
  • “I’m only responsible for what I SAY; not for what you UNDERSTAND”
  • “So…when is this ‘old enough to know better’ supposed to kick in?”
  • “Have you ever listened to someone and thought: who ties your shoelaces for you?”
  • “Be careful when you follow the masses…sometimes the ‘M’ is silent”
  • Don’t confuse my PERSONALITY with my ATTITUDE…
    my personality is WHO I am
    my attitude depends on who YOU are”
  • “I NEVER argue.  I just explain why I am right”
  • “I speak my mind, because it hurts to bit my tongue all the time”
  • “Sometimes I sit quietly and wonder why I’m not in a lunatic asylum.
    Then I take a look around and realize…maybe I already AM”
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Jul31

Post-Brexit open letter to the British PM

Open letter to Teresa May

Dear Ms. May,

Please find below our suggestion for fixing the UK ‘s economy.

Instead of giving billions of pounds to banks that will squander the money on lavish parties and unearned bonuses, use the following plan. You can call it the Patriotic Retirement Plan:

There are about 10 million people over 50 in the work force. Pay them £1 million each severance for early retirement with the following stipulations:

  1. They MUST retire. Ten million job openings – unemployment fixed
  2. They MUST buy a new British car. Ten million cars ordered – Car Industry fixed.
  3. They MUST either buy a house or pay off their mortgage – Housing Crisis fixed
  4. They MUST send their kids to school/college/university – Crime rate fixed
  5. They MUST buy £100 WORTH of alcohol/tobacco a week (there’s your money back in duty/tax etc)

…It can’t get any easier than that!

P.S. If more money is needed, have all members of parliament pay back their falsely claimed expenses and second home allowances!

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Dec15

Truths about Government

Truer words are rarely spoken. Here’s 15 quotable quotes that pretty much cover what government is…and always has been.

… more »

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Nov30

Always Wear Underwear

Always wear underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle.

Taken from an Brisbane newspaper

From the local paper comes this story of a Brisbane couple who drove their car to the shopping centre, only to have their car break down in the car park. The husband told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car.

The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of hairy legs protruding from under the chassis.

Unfortunately. although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned his private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarassment, she dutifully stepped forward and quickly put her hand up his shorts and tucked everything back into place.

On regaining her feet, she looked across the bonnet and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by watching.

The R.A.C mechanic however had to have three stitches in his forehead

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Sep18

Politicans and Pullets

Election time has rolled around again.

With the upcoming Scottish Independence Referendum and the New Zealand Elections, here is a story for all voters to think about, when they enter the polling stations:-

Old Butch

Bert was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young ‘pullets’ and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.

He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced. This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.

Berts’ favourite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old Butch’s bell hadn’t rung at all! When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

To Bert’s amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn’t ring. He’d sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

Bert was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Brisbane City Show and he became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the “No Bell Piece Prize,” but they also awarded him the “Pulletsurprise” as well.

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren’t paying attention…

Vote carefully in the next election, you can’t always hear the bells!

Idem dominus dux vetus adversus novam (meet the new boss, same as the old boss)

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