A few words of wisdom…
- “If people could read my mind, I’d get punched in the face a lot”
- “The fact that there is a HIGHWAY to hell and a STAIRWAY to heaven, says a lot about anticipated traffic volumes”
- “My people skills are fine. It’s just my tolerance to idiots that needs work”
- “I’m only responsible for what I SAY; not for what you UNDERSTAND”
- “So…when is this ‘old enough to know better’ supposed to kick in?”
- “Have you ever listened to someone and thought: who ties your shoelaces for you?”
- “Be careful when you follow the masses…sometimes the ‘M’ is silent”
- Don’t confuse my PERSONALITY with my ATTITUDE…
my personality is WHO I am
my attitude depends on who YOU are”
- “I NEVER argue. I just explain why I am right”
- “I speak my mind, because it hurts to bit my tongue all the time”
- “Sometimes I sit quietly and wonder why I’m not in a lunatic asylum.
Then I take a look around and realize…maybe I already AM”
Dear Ms. May,
Please find below our suggestion for fixing the UK ‘s economy.
Instead of giving billions of pounds to banks that will squander the money on lavish parties and unearned bonuses, use the following plan. You can call it the Patriotic Retirement Plan:
There are about 10 million people over 50 in the work force. Pay them £1 million each severance for early retirement with the following stipulations:
- They MUST retire. Ten million job openings – unemployment fixed
- They MUST buy a new British car. Ten million cars ordered – Car Industry fixed.
- They MUST either buy a house or pay off their mortgage – Housing Crisis fixed
- They MUST send their kids to school/college/university – Crime rate fixed
- They MUST buy £100 WORTH of alcohol/tobacco a week (there’s your money back in duty/tax etc)
…It can’t get any easier than that!
P.S. If more money is needed, have all members of parliament pay back their falsely claimed expenses and second home allowances!
Truer words are rarely spoken. Here’s 15 quotable quotes that pretty much cover what government is…and always has been.
- In my many years I have come to a conclusion that one useless man is a shame, two is a law firm and three or more is a government.
- John Adams
- If you don’t read the newspaper you are uninformed, if you do read the newspaper you are misinformed.
- Mark Twain
- I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle.
- Winston Churchill
- Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner.
- James Bovard
- Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries.
- Douglas Case.
- Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.
- P.J. O’Rourke
- Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else.
- Frederic Bastiat
- Government’s view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.
- Ronald Reagan
- No man’s life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session.
- Mark Twain
- The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings. The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery.
- Winston Churchill
- The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin.
- Mark Twain
- The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools.
- Herbert Spencer
- What this country needs are more unemployed politicians.
- Edward Langley
- A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have.
- Thomas Jefferson
- We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office.
Always wear underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle.
Taken from an Brisbane newspaper…
From the local paper comes this story of a Brisbane couple who drove their car to the shopping centre, only to have their car break down in the car park. The husband told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car.
The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of hairy legs protruding from under the chassis.
Unfortunately. although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned his private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarassment, she dutifully stepped forward and quickly put her hand up his shorts and tucked everything back into place.
On regaining her feet, she looked across the bonnet and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by watching.
The R.A.C mechanic however had to have three stitches in his forehead
Election time has rolled around again.
Bert was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young ‘pullets’ and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.
He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced. This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.
Berts’ favourite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old Butch’s bell hadn’t rung at all! When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.
To Bert’s amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn’t ring. He’d sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.
Bert was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Brisbane City Show and he became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the “No Bell Piece Prize,” but they also awarded him the “Pulletsurprise” as well.
Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren’t paying attention…
Vote carefully in the next election, you can’t always hear the bells!
Idem dominus dux vetus adversus novam (meet the new boss, same as the old boss)
Funny one-liners from a recent epiosode of “Mock the week“:-
- I bought a slimming magazine in WH Smiths. I didn’t read it; I just wanted the big bar of Galaxy chocolate for a quid.
- I was in a lingerie shop; I asked: “are these knickers satin?” and the sales assistant said: “No, their new”.
- I went to buy a Christmas tree. The bloke said: “are you going to put it up yourself?”. I said: “no, I was thinking of the living room”.
- Bought a chameleon…lost it.
- Why is it that when women go to the toilet in pairs, no-one minds, but when I did it, I got thrown out of the greengrocers.
- I got into a fight with my acupuncturist…he said he had never felt better.
- According to the vet, my cat is in Heat. I didn’t even know she was famous.
- I bought an Advent calendar from a Jehovahs’ witness; behind every door is a little bloke telling me to fuck off.
…and more available here