ArchivesBy Author: Phil
Rave: Prison and Pensioner Reform
Don’t know who originally did this, but I LOVE it!
Let’s put the pensioners in jail and the criminals in a nursing home.
This way our pensioners would have access to showers, hobbies and walks. They’d receive unlimited free prescriptions, dental and medical treatment, wheel chairs etc and they’d receive money instead of paying it out.
They would have constant video monitoring, so they could be helped instantly, if they fell, or needed assistance. Bedding would be washed twice a week, and all clothing would be ironed and returned to them.
A guard would check on them every 20 minutes and bring their meals and snacks to their cell. They would have family visits in a suite built for that purpose. They would have access to a library, weight room, spiritual counselor, pool and education.
There would be private, secure rooms for all, with an exercise outdoor yard, with gardens. Simple clothing, shoes, slippers, PJ’s and legal aid would be free, on request and each pensioner could have a PC a TV radio and daily phone calls.
There would be a board of directors to hear complaints, and the guards would have a code of conduct that would be strictly adhered to.
And as an added bonus…
Convicted criminals would get cold food, be locked up alone and unsupervised. Lights off at 8pm, and showers once a week. They would live in a tiny room and pay £600.00 per week and have no hope of ever getting out.
+51Post-Brexit open letter to the British PM
Dear Ms. May,
Please find below our suggestion for fixing the UK ‘s economy.
Instead of giving billions of pounds to banks that will squander the money on lavish parties and unearned bonuses, use the following plan. You can call it the Patriotic Retirement Plan:
There are about 10 million people over 50 in the work force. Pay them £1 million each severance for early retirement with the following stipulations:
- They MUST retire. Ten million job openings – unemployment fixed
- They MUST buy a new British car. Ten million cars ordered – Car Industry fixed.
- They MUST either buy a house or pay off their mortgage – Housing Crisis fixed
- They MUST send their kids to school/college/university – Crime rate fixed
- They MUST buy £100 WORTH of alcohol/tobacco a week (there’s your money back in duty/tax etc)
…It can’t get any easier than that!
P.S. If more money is needed, have all members of parliament pay back their falsely claimed expenses and second home allowances!
+47Truths about Government
Truer words are rarely spoken. Here’s 15 quotable quotes that pretty much cover what government is…and always has been.
+61Always Wear Underwear
Always wear underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle.
Taken from an Brisbane newspaper…
From the local paper comes this story of a Brisbane couple who drove their car to the shopping centre, only to have their car break down in the car park. The husband told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car.
The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of hairy legs protruding from under the chassis.
Unfortunately. although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned his private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarassment, she dutifully stepped forward and quickly put her hand up his shorts and tucked everything back into place.
On regaining her feet, she looked across the bonnet and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by watching.
The R.A.C mechanic however had to have three stitches in his forehead
+44Politicans and Pullets
Election time has rolled around again.
With the upcoming Scottish Independence Referendum and the New Zealand Elections, here is a story for all voters to think about, when they enter the polling stations:-
Old Butch
Bert was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young ‘pullets’ and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.
He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced. This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.
Berts’ favourite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old Butch’s bell hadn’t rung at all! When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.
To Bert’s amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn’t ring. He’d sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.
Bert was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Brisbane City Show and he became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the “No Bell Piece Prize,” but they also awarded him the “Pulletsurprise” as well.
Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren’t paying attention…
Vote carefully in the next election, you can’t always hear the bells!
Idem dominus dux vetus adversus novam (meet the new boss, same as the old boss)
+51More MTW one-liners
Funny one-liners from a recent epiosode of “Mock the week“:-
- I bought a slimming magazine in WH Smiths. I didn’t read it; I just wanted the big bar of Galaxy chocolate for a quid.
- I was in a lingerie shop; I asked: “are these knickers satin?” and the sales assistant said: “No, their new”.
- I went to buy a Christmas tree. The bloke said: “are you going to put it up yourself?”. I said: “no, I was thinking of the living room”.
- Bought a chameleon…lost it.
- Why is it that when women go to the toilet in pairs, no-one minds, but when I did it, I got thrown out of the greengrocers.
- I got into a fight with my acupuncturist…he said he had never felt better.
- According to the vet, my cat is in Heat. I didn’t even know she was famous.
- I bought an Advent calendar from a Jehovahs’ witness; behind every door is a little bloke telling me to fuck off.
…and more available here
+54