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Jul15

Olympics British Style

DATELINE: LONDON

In view of the ongoing heavy rains in the UK, representatives of the British government and the London Mayor’s office have met with the emergency committee of the IOC to propose a number of 11th-hour changes to the upcoming London Olympic programme.

London’s Mayor Boris Johnson has announced that all Olympic staff will be undergoing SCUBA lessons this week and his office are currently in the process of buying up wetsuits, fins, masks and snorkels from every dive shop in and around the Red Sea. Supplies of diving equipment in the UK have already been appropriated and set aside for use by visiting dignitaries, due to their virtually-unused and near-new state.

The London Taxi Drivers union has announced a 6000% increase in all tariff rates, the proceeds of which will be used to strap all Hackney cabs onto army-surplus inflatable Zodiacs and outfit them with Johnson outboard motors. A union spokesman stated that the less-costly alternative of simply replacing all cabs with Zodiacs was not an option that the union membership were prepared to accept.

London Underground will be taking all trains out of service and replacing them with the recently-overhauled Trident submarine fleet. Passenger space will be tight and as always there will be no air-conditioning, but the MoD has refitted the fleet to fire commuters out of the torpedo tubes as the submarines pass each station and is confident that this approach will help minimise commuter delays. Commuters are however advised to turn up at all Jubilee line stations at least 72 hours in advance and to bring their own water-wings.

In a surprising twist, Network Southeast Rail has announced that it’s services will continue to run as normal. A spokeswoman stated that since the floods had washed all the leaves off the line, NSR management could think of no other reason to cancel services and would therefore ensure that at least 1% of all services would continue to run as planned, in line with their current contractual operating targets.

Changes to the Olympic line-up have also been confirmed. All track and field events have been cancelled. A last-minute appeal on behalf of the equestrian lobby to include regular polo matches alongside water polo matches was denied after all the horses drowned in pre-match training. Cycling events will continue, but will be based purely on endurance as all bikes will be fixed in place and used to power a network of pumps and turbines to keep the stadium water properly aerated.

To everyone’s relief, all synchronised swimming events have also been cancelled after all participants were washed out to sea by a Thames river flash-flood.

Accusations of favouritism have been voiced by Middle Eastern and North African competitors, who claim that the programme changes are primarily designed to unfairly benefit British competitors, especially the Welsh for whom they claim that this level of rainfall has been a normal part of everyday life for decades.

Despite the heavy rain, Yorkshire water PLC has today issued a press release announcing that it’s ongoing hosepipe ban will remain in effect for the foreseeable future.

Define irony

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