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The diaTribe blog is our occasional take on life, the universe and everything. Observations on current affairs, the environment, politics, humour and music/gig reviews. Travel diary and extreme sports stories, along with the usual rants/raves are also chucked in for good measure.

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Tag ArchivesFor the word: joke

Sep18

Politicans and Pullets

Election time has rolled around again.

With the upcoming Scottish Independence Referendum and the New Zealand Elections, here is a story for all voters to think about, when they enter the polling stations:-

Old Butch

Bert was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young ‘pullets’ and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.

He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced. This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.

Berts’ favourite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old Butch’s bell hadn’t rung at all! When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

To Bert’s amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn’t ring. He’d sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

Bert was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Brisbane City Show and he became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the “No Bell Piece Prize,” but they also awarded him the “Pulletsurprise” as well.

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren’t paying attention…

Vote carefully in the next election, you can’t always hear the bells!

Idem dominus dux vetus adversus novam (meet the new boss, same as the old boss)

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May12

A Man’s Best Friend

Doing the rounds but available on shitmydadsends.com.

A real woman is a man’s best friend.
She will never stand him up and never let him down.
She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him
After a bad day.
She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to
Live without fear and forget regret.
She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to
His most intimate desires.
She will make sure he always feels as though he’s the most
Handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident, sexy, seductive and invincible…

No wait…
Sorry…

I’m thinking of whiskey. It’s whiskey that does all that shit.

Never mind.

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Sep18

A dream come true

Excellent story in yesterday’s Metro – a kiwi bloke with a great set of mates got the surprise of his life…when he returned home and discovered that in his absence, his mates had plumbed his house, replacing the water supply…with beer!

A 7-minute YouTube video posted by “LittleJohnnyNZ” is what I call a practical joke wink

Kegs of the amber nectar were rolled into position under the house and plumbed into all the water taps. The network even including a cooling system to keep the pints at the perfect temperature. The pranksters also placed a series of hidden cameras throughout the house, which they connected to a series of monitors they had set up in the garage.

The stunned look on the victim’s face when he dons overalls and looks under the house is priceless. When he returns to the front of his house, he’s met by his cheering pals out front. In true kiwi style, the victim simply said:

“Party at mine boys”

lol2 Excellent! lol3

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Jan24

Joke of the week…

Blue Fronted Amazon Parrot

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, ‘Jesus knows you’re here.’

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued.

… more »

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Dec29

Mock the Week Funnies

A couple of my oldest pals recently splashed out on a new entertainment system and on a recent visit I was treated to a great episode of the popular BBC comedy Mock the Week

The particular episode had a featured section of: Unlikely Lines From Children’s Books and these examples made me chuckle:-

… more »

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Dec19

Your Blues Name

BB King playing trumpet

Love the blues? Ever wanted your own blues name? Use this handy chart to find yours…

… more »

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Sep20

Words of wisdom

Snowy Owl

Just lately, I’ve stumbled across some great quotes and I thought it was worth jotting a few of them down here (my memory is not what it used to be rolleyes)

… more »

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