Why do Australians call XXXX ‘four-X’? Cos they can’t spell “Koala p*ss”.

What’s the definition of Australian Foreplay? “You awake Sheila?”.

(I’m stopping there before I get lots of hate mail, full of sheep jokes)

Despite their reputation for a forthright and truth-speaking approach to life, this week the folks from the other Great Southern land have shown themselves to have remarkable taste and style…

…they’ve turned their backs on Starbucks in droves.

Today, the beeb reports how Starbucks is closing 61 of it’s 85 Australian branches. And it’s put a smirk on my face that will probably remain there most of the day.

I’ve tried the coffee in Starbucks about half a dozen times and it’s always been the same, I’m afraid. In my experience, it’s lousy!

The Starbucks coffee I’ve drunk, has been burnt, gritty and bitter. It’s been served by people who look like they’ve listened to too many Leonard Cohen albums, but haven’t worked up the courage to slash their wrists yet. The shop seating has always been cramped and generally furnished in a horrible Ikea-McDonald’s hybrid of knee-cracking tables and kiddie-size chairs. The muzak played over their tanoy made the back of my eyeballs itch maddeningly.

Frankly, I never could understand why people seem to flock to the place.

And the Aussies certainly haven’t. Instead, they’ve opted to take their morning coffee at thousands of little independent local coffee houses, who have a better atmosphere, friendlier staff and most important, freshly brewed coffee that doesn’t taste like it’s been drunk once already.

Let’s hope the rest of the world follows suit and starts to wise up to these crap yank franchise outfits. I can see a glorious future of high streets and town centres where there isn’t a McDonalds, Starbucks, Burger King, Wendy’s, Subway, Dunkin’ Donuts, KFC or Krispy Kreme to be seen! We’ll all be healthier, wealthier, wiser and happier for it.

And Starbucks can bog off back to the US, where they have very little sense of taste anyway…

PS: If you’re in London and fancy a decent coffee, try the Tinderbox in Euston.

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