Find in this Blog

About diaTribe

The diaTribe blog is our occasional take on life, the universe and everything. Observations on current affairs, the environment, politics, humour and music/gig reviews. Travel diary and extreme sports stories, along with the usual rants/raves are also chucked in for good measure.

August 2005
    Sep »


Recent Articles


Friends of diaTribe

Blogs Worth Visiting

Syndicate this blog

What is RSS?

Other Links

Visit Zimbio - opens in new window

Hate Spammers? Check this out - opens in new window

We Support Wikipedia
Wikipedia Affliate Button

Stop ISP snooping! Oppose Phorm


If they have their way all your web browsing history will be collected and sold to the highest bidder.

Fight back!

Technology at it's most pointless

Rant: African Dictatorship for Dummies

Mercedes SL 500

(An excerpt from Robert Mugabe’s autobiography “My boyfriend’s back and there’s going to be trouble…”)

Are you having trouble with your peasant population? Are they starting to grumble about not having all the expected luxuries like enough food, decent housing and clean water?

Is the potential cost of placating them likely to mean you might have to sell half your personal fleet of Mercedes 500 SL’s on eBay, along with those Mig fighter jets which you got from the Soviets at such an EXCELLENT rate a few years back?

Will your finance minister have to take an IMF loan to maintain his harem and extensive wine cellar? And how are you going to be able to continue paying your security forces so they keep beating the crap out of anyone who looks like they might be able to muster any form of opposition?

You need to find a scapegoat…and fast! But who? After all you have kicked out the bulk of the European colonialists and you’ve convinced the peons that their lives will be better under the rule of African leadership.

Who better than all those white farmers? Those lackeys of the running dog imperialists who have selfishly spent most of their working lives growing enough food to feed half the continent! Bastards! Their time has come…

So follow this handy list to point the finger at the farmers and let them incur the wrath of the peasants, instead of you!

  1. Start by holding large rallys around your country for which attendance is mandatory (get your security forces to prod any reluctant locals along to the rally, with the promise of a handful of mealey pap and a few well-aimed blows from rifle butts).

    Make sure that the ranks are swelled with a large number of your supporters and get them to applaud loudly every time you pause in your speaking. As the rally progesses, get them to start chanting (I always liked “Rob, Rob, he’s our man, if he can’t do it, no-one can!” but my lot could never remember the words!)

    Eventually, your have them all worked up into a real state…and you are on your way!

  2. Make sure you have full control of the press and impose a media blackout for any halfway independent news organisation. Jail any local reporters and deport any foreign journalists who have the gall to question your version of events and for good measure call the foreigners spies. This not only gains you sympathy with your supporters, it also mollifies a few of your more paranoid neighbours, who may be starting to express concerns about your handling of the whole sitch!

  3. Send in your bully boys to kick the shit out of a few white farmers, burn a few houses etc. Make sure your bully boys outnumber the farmers at least 10 to 1 or you might meet resistance. Get a few of your “soldiers” to hang around while this happens, just in case any of the farmers snaps and thumps a couple of your supporters … then you can have the farmer shot on the spot! Do this a couple of times and you won’t meet too much in the way of armed resistance or direct action.

  4. When the farmers band together and try to take legal action, just change the laws (it goes without saying that you should have loaded your whole “legal” system full to the brim with your sycophants and “yes” men, along with a large dollop of tame “judges” and other legal scum … but you already KNEW that didn’t you?)

  5. Whenever the farmers (or any caucasians) question the logic and rationale of your approach, you can always play the race card! They are all so racked with colonial guilt these days, that they will shut up instantly. You just gotta LOVE the mob who invented Political Correctness!

  6. Let the peasants run goats all over the farmers’ land, eating everything green in sight, while the peasants sit on their arses wondering how the hell the farmers managed to get all those vegetables out of the ground. In no time at all, the rich and productive farmland will become a barren dry dust bowl. Excellent!

  7. With your population starving, rampant inflation, corruption and world-class mis-management, a large chunk of your population will simply slip over the border, hoping to find a better life. Since most of the refugees will be your opposition (your mob will tend to hang around until they are sure that the cupboard is bare) you get rid of a big chunk of your critics; a nice bonus!

  8. Now you are in an excellent position to go panhandling to South Africa for a loan to stave off being kicked out of the IMF. The South Africans are always good to tap for a few Rand because they are terrified of a mass migration of refugees over their borders and they wouldn’t dare criticise a brother African!

    If you are lucky you can even get their leadership to publicly imply that your system of mis-management is a model worth following (though when the rest of the world does a double-take they might respond by saying: “Only Joking! Ha! Ha!”)!

  9. As a last resort you can always claim another “Humanitarian Crisis” and maybe get Bob Geldof to hold a benefit concert or two, to raise some cash. At the very least the World bank (reluctantly) will stump up some more wonga…

Which will be just in time! After all the new Mercedes are in the showrooms now…

Submit to StumbleUpon
Permalink| Tags: , , , , , , , , , , |

Sorry, comments for this article (Rant: African Dictatorship for Dummies) are now closed.

Valid XHTML 1.0!If page contains a form it won't validate due to 'aria-required' attribute. We have chosen accessibility over validation. Valid CSS! Valid RSS! Valid Atom!

NoPhorm - No consent to intercept

Regulation of Investigatory Powers Act 2000 (RIPA) Notice

No consent is given for interception of transmission of any page in this site.