diaTribe » Rants ‘n’ Raves

Where I find My Heaven

Phil — Sat, 23 Nov 2019 11:44:15 +0000

Orchard life is fairly tough most of the time.

Day after day, I struggle to keep up with everything that nature throws in our direction. Spring is often unsettled and the risk of damage to new shoots in the vines is high; an entire years work can be destroyed in just a few minutes from a brief shower of hailstones or a few hours of high winds.

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Why The Brits Dislike Trump (Intensely)

Phil — Thu, 07 Nov 2019 09:13:23 +0000

Fake News King

Someone on Quora recently asked: “Why do some British people not like Donald Trump?“

Granted, the question is blindingly obvious to an increasing number of us (even some Americans) but few of us are capable of properly articulating our feelings and position.

One Brit however, knew exactly how to answer and his reply is the stuff of legends!

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The Peg Leg Tavern (ballad to a Sydney landmark)

Phil — Sun, 23 Jun 2019 00:45:11 +0000

Just returned from a short break to Oz.

Had a fantastic time as always; too many great experiences to recount but there is one in particular that I wanted to do a little rave about.
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Obituary for Common Sense

Phil — Wed, 22 Aug 2018 11:02:26 +0000

An Obituary printed in the London Times..

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years.

No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:

Knowing when to come in out of the rain;
Why the early bird gets the worm;
Life isn’t always fair;
And maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don’t spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).
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Rave: Prison and Pensioner Reform

Phil — Fri, 23 Sep 2016 21:58:02 +0000

Don’t know who originally did this, but I LOVE it!

Let’s put the pensioners in jail and the criminals in a nursing home.

This way our pensioners would have access to showers, hobbies and walks. They’d receive unlimited free prescriptions, dental and medical treatment, wheel chairs etc and they’d receive money instead of paying it out.

They would have constant video monitoring, so they could be helped instantly, if they fell, or needed assistance. Bedding would be washed twice a week, and all clothing would be ironed and returned to them.

A guard would check on them every 20 minutes and bring their meals and snacks to their cell. They would have family visits in a suite built for that purpose. They would have access to a library, weight room, spiritual counselor, pool and education.

There would be private, secure rooms for all, with an exercise outdoor yard, with gardens. Simple clothing, shoes, slippers, PJ’s and legal aid would be free, on request and each pensioner could have a PC a TV radio and daily phone calls.

There would be a board of directors to hear complaints, and the guards would have a code of conduct that would be strictly adhered to.

And as an added bonus…

Convicted criminals would get cold food, be locked up alone and unsupervised. Lights off at 8pm, and showers once a week. They would live in a tiny room and pay £600.00 per week and have no hope of ever getting out.

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Truths about Government

Phil — Mon, 15 Dec 2014 08:04:57 +0000

Truer words are rarely spoken. Here’s 15 quotable quotes that pretty much cover what government is…and always has been.

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A Man’s Best Friend

Phil — Mon, 12 May 2014 11:12:00 +0000

Doing the rounds but available on shitmydadsends.com.

A real woman is a man’s best friend.
She will never stand him up and never let him down.
She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day.
She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to
Live without fear and forget regret.
She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to
His most intimate desires.
She will make sure he always feels as though he’s the most
Handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident, sexy, seductive and invincible…

No wait…
Sorry…

I’m thinking of whiskey. It’s whiskey that does all that shit.

Never mind.

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Idiot Sightings

Phil — Sun, 19 May 2013 07:00:34 +0000

A friend of mine sent me the following recently. What can you say but … weep for the PRESENT (especially in St Albans!)

Idiot Sighting 1

My daughter and I went to the McDonald’s check-out to pay our bill and I gave the clerk a £5 note. Our total bill was £4.20, so I also handed her a 20 pence piece.

She said, ‘You gave me too much money.’

I said, ‘Yes I know, but this way you can just give me £1 back.’

She sighed and went to get the Manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the 20 pence and said ‘We’re sorry but we do not do that kind of thing.’ and then proceeded to give me back 80 pence in change.
Do not confuse the clerks at McDonald’s in St Albans , Hertfordshire!

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