diaTribe » satire

Rave: Prison and Pensioner Reform

Phil — Fri, 23 Sep 2016 21:58:02 +0000

Don’t know who originally did this, but I LOVE it!

Let’s put the pensioners in jail and the criminals in a nursing home.

This way our pensioners would have access to showers, hobbies and walks. They’d receive unlimited free prescriptions, dental and medical treatment, wheel chairs etc and they’d receive money instead of paying it out.

They would have constant video monitoring, so they could be helped instantly, if they fell, or needed assistance. Bedding would be washed twice a week, and all clothing would be ironed and returned to them.

A guard would check on them every 20 minutes and bring their meals and snacks to their cell. They would have family visits in a suite built for that purpose. They would have access to a library, weight room, spiritual counselor, pool and education.

There would be private, secure rooms for all, with an exercise outdoor yard, with gardens. Simple clothing, shoes, slippers, PJ’s and legal aid would be free, on request and each pensioner could have a PC a TV radio and daily phone calls.

There would be a board of directors to hear complaints, and the guards would have a code of conduct that would be strictly adhered to.

And as an added bonus…

Convicted criminals would get cold food, be locked up alone and unsupervised. Lights off at 8pm, and showers once a week. They would live in a tiny room and pay £600.00 per week and have no hope of ever getting out.

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Truths about Government

Phil — Mon, 15 Dec 2014 08:04:57 +0000

Truer words are rarely spoken. Here’s 15 quotable quotes that pretty much cover what government is…and always has been.

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Politicans and Pullets

Phil — Thu, 18 Sep 2014 08:30:07 +0000

Election time has rolled around again.

With the upcoming Scottish Independence Referendum and the New Zealand Elections, here is a story for all voters to think about, when they enter the polling stations:-

Old Butch

Bert was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young ‘pullets’ and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.

He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced. This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.

Berts’ favourite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old Butch’s bell hadn’t rung at all! When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

To Bert’s amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn’t ring. He’d sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

Bert was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Brisbane City Show and he became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the “No Bell Piece Prize,” but they also awarded him the “Pulletsurprise” as well.

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren’t paying attention…

Vote carefully in the next election, you can’t always hear the bells!

Idem dominus dux vetus adversus novam (meet the new boss, same as the old boss)

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Mock the Week Funnies

Phil — Sat, 29 Dec 2012 10:15:09 +0000

A couple of my oldest pals recently splashed out on a new entertainment system and on a recent visit I was treated to a great episode of the popular BBC comedy Mock the Week

The particular episode had a featured section of: Unlikely Lines From Children’s Books and these examples made me chuckle:-

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What Facebook really needs

Phil — Wed, 28 Nov 2012 11:25:45 +0000

A long overdue Facebook function...I wonder how you add it to their wish list?

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Rant: Weasel Wording Down Under

Phil — Wed, 18 Jul 2012 12:29:51 +0000

And they wonder why we are all so cynical about politics…

Heather English is a retired school teacher now living in Invercargill. She has been an avid amateur genealogy researcher for about 35 years.

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Olympics British Style

Phil — Sun, 15 Jul 2012 03:17:10 +0000

DATELINE: LONDON

In view of the ongoing heavy rains in the UK, representatives of the British government and the London Mayor’s office have met with the emergency committee of the IOC to propose a number of 11th-hour changes to the upcoming London Olympic programme.

London’s Mayor Boris Johnson has announced that all Olympic staff will be undergoing SCUBA lessons this week and his office are currently in the process of buying up wetsuits, fins, masks and snorkels from every dive shop in and around the Red Sea. Supplies of diving equipment in the UK have already been appropriated and set aside for use by visiting dignitaries, due to their virtually-unused and near-new state.More ... »

My South Park Character

Phil — Wed, 03 Sep 2008 12:11:11 +0000

Courtesy of one of my work colleagues at UCB-Celltech in Slough, is my very own South Park Character (the whole team has one).

It’s been reworked with Su’s help (she thinks that I’ve downplayed the grumpiness element of my character, but it’s my character and I can have what I want! )

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