• I bought a slimming magazine in WH Smiths. I didn’t read it; I just wanted the big bar of Galaxy chocolate for a quid.
• I was in a lingerie shop; I asked: “are these knickers satin?” and the sales assistant said: “No, their new”.
• I went to buy a Christmas tree. The bloke said: “are you going to put it up yourself?”. I said: “no, I was thinking of the living room”.
• Bought a chameleon…lost it.
• Why is it that when women go to the toilet in pairs, no-one minds, but when I did it, I got thrown out of the greengrocers.
• I got into a fight with my acupuncturist…he said he had never felt better.
• According to the vet, my cat is in Heat. I didn’t even know she was famous.
• I bought an Advent calendar from a Jehovahs’ witness; behind every door is a little bloke telling me to fuck off.

…and more available here